Sealed lips
by Forever sleeping
Summary: Story may be triggering. Caution for eating disorder. Main characters : Mercedes/Kurt friendship and Mercedes/Sam Romance   Mercedes fell fast into a world which hurt more than it helped where food changed from Comfort to Necessary to Enemy.   Read
1. Chapter 1

**Sealed lips**

**Disclaimer: Yeah I don't own. Don't sue. Please**

Kurt was Mercedes best friend he was always honest with her even before Glee and Blaine happened there were each other's first.

Best friends that is.

That's how she knew he would never lie to her or try and hurt, which only made things more confusing. Kurt smiled at Mercedes when she walked out of the changing room nodding his head he said "Big, black and beautiful".

Mercedes smiled weakly and stepped back into the changing room it was obvious from the way that Kurt's eyes lit up and the triple clap of his hands that he was excited and happy about the outfit she had tried on at his insistence but his words rolled back over in her head.

Big, black and beautiful. Big, black and beautiful. Big. Big. Big.

Slipping out the dress Mercedes avoided eye contact with her mirror image she had always know she wasn't model thin or Quinn tiny as she like to put it. But she didn't think of herself as big or fat. She was just Mercedes, so maybe she hadn't been watching what she ate or how much but she knew she didn't want to be that type of girl.

"Cedes, you okay in there" Kurt's voice dragged her back from her thoughts.

"Yeah, just a minute" she called back.

She quickly shoved on her jeans and tank and t shirt, flounced her hair and smiled.

She was being silly, opening the door she handed the dress to Kurt, "I think I'll come back later and look around some more"

"Are you sure you looked fabulous in it"

Big Big Big

"Yes I'm sure" Mercedes smiled at Kurt and after handing back the dress they walked out arms linked.

"Where too next?" Mercedes asked

"Food court" Kurt suggested "I'm starved"

Mercedes smiled she had been hopping her would say that, food always made her feel better.

As they walked Mercedes contemplated what to get, Taco bells cheesy fries and a burrito or a Mc chicken burger, and she definitely wanted ice cream it was a good thing Basket Robbins was nearby to she was craving a triple scoop of caramel coffee ice cream with whip cream.

Deciding on taco bell and her and Kurt split up to buy their food. Mercedes found a table before Kurt and sat downing waiting for him to finish, he was always so choosey. Picking at a fry Mercedes sighed she loved the cheesy taste and the crunchiness of the fries.

Two girls walked by giggling they looked at Mercedes sitting by herself and gave her the top to bottom check out look "god she's huge" one of the whispered to the other loud enough for her to hear they strutted off in giggles.

A ball of settled in the pit of her stomach sitting taller Mercedes sucked in her stomach, she wasn't fat or huge. Looking down at her lap she blinked back the tears, her thighs were loomed before her, okay so she wasn't skinny but she could fix that.

"Mer-ced-es" Kurt sang sitting down he had ordered a salad, medium drip coffee and a wrap. "Why aren't you eating?"

"My stomach hurts" she said quickly wrapping an arm over it. Using her other hand she pushed the tray away from her greedy hands.

She was fat

But she was going to change that.

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	2. Mirror on the wall

**Sealed Lips**

**Chapter two: Mirror, Mirror on the wall…**

Sitting on her bed Mercedes slammed her book shut there was no point of pretending to study when she couldn't even concentrate. She couldn't stop thinking about what had happened earlier at the mall, Kurt's words and the stinging words from the girls at the food court. But it wasn't just that, it wasn't just two measly incidents.

It was every time she went to the mall when she asked for a larger size; it was the comments from sale's assistance about "checking out the great plus size store upstairs". It was the looks she got in the changing rooms at school. What was it they always said ….

She has _such_ a great personality.

Well maybe she was sick of always being the personality and now she wanted to be the body, the cute girl, beautiful even.

Standing up she went and locked her room door, standing in front of her full length mirror which was propped against the wall she slowly took off her T-shirt and sweats. Mercedes took a step back and analyzed herself from all angles. She was fat. Her hands pinched her cheeks too full, they slid down to hold her upper arms too wide. Her hands moved across her stomach grabbing the extra fat there, _disgusting._ The word entered her mind before she had a chance to stop it. She slapped at her thighs too big ,too much ,too fat. Tears unknowingly spilled from her eyes.

This would have to change. She hadn't noticed how fat she had gotten.

"Mercedes, dinner" her mom knocked the door.

Jumping up Mercedes rushed to get dressed "Mom" her voice cracked "I ate out with Kurt when we went shopping"

"Well open the door let me see you" Mercedes mom demanded

Wiping her face free from tears, she took a breath, exhaled and opened the door.

Her mother gave her a once over "when did you take to locking your door?"

"I didn't even realize" she lied "I was doing a reading assignment"

"Okay" her mother replied craning her neck to see into the room, once satisfied she walked away. Closing the door but leaving it unlocked this time Mercedes sat down on her bed and put away her books, she just wanted to sleep.

Just as she had settled under the covers her phone rang, the ringtone brought a familiar smile to her face.

"Sam" she whispered into the phone.

"Hey sexy lady" Sam replied "I thought you said you'd call"

"Oh damn, sorry I forgot" Mercedes apologized.

"That's okay, I don't mind when people forgot about me" Sam said

"Sa-am" she whined "you know it's not like that I was out all day with Kurt and I just got caught up"

"Good thing he has a boyfriend or I'd be worried" Sam replied

"Haha" Mercedes deadpanned "forgive me?"

"How about you make it up to me" Sam said "What are you wearing right now?"

"Good night Sam" Mercedes said, she waited a beat for him to say goodnight before hanging up. He was so cute.

They had started dating at the end of the last school year and had spent the entire summer just being together, it made her giddy just thinking about it. Sam Evans choose her, not Quinn or Santana but her Mercedes Jones, that had to mean something right.

But they were still dating in secret it had been Sam's idea something about how it was better for their relationship, she didn't really get it.

_He doesn't want to date the fat girl publicly._

Stop it, she mentally reprimanded herself. Sam was one of the good guys, he wouldn't do that but still they had already been dating for 3 months why hadn't they gone public yet.

_Because no one would ever believe that football jock, start quarterback, washboard abs would ever date frumpy, fat wanna be diva Mercedes._

I am not doing Mercedes told herself, turning over she punched the pillow and willed her thoughts to stop.

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**The plot is going to come in a bit slow I really want the story to develop some ground before we get in to the thick of it, so bear with me **


	3. Ready Set Pause

**Sealed Lips**

**Chapter three: Ready set pause.**

Mercedes alarm clock rang at 6 am; she had set it up that way so she could have an extra hour before school to exercise the plan however was not going as smoothly.

Slipping out a hand she slammed it down on the snooze button of the alarm clock, she was much too tried to even think about running around and getting all sweaty, plus she reasoned she would need her sleep if she planned on going to glee club after school.

Snuggling back under the covers she wrapped herself in her duvet and proceeded to completely forget about the promises she had made last night.

Mercedes mom knocked on the door 10 minutes past 7 "You better be up baby if you plan on making to school on time". Sliding out of bed this time she walked to the bathroom half asleep.

Flinging the third top to the floor Mercedes moaned she looked like a whale in all of them, sighing she looked at her reflection clad only in a light blue bra her stomach bulged from all angles. She shouldn't have skipped her run this morning, _but no she was fat and lazy and just needed to sleep_.

Putting on her loosest t shirt which happened to be purple she shrugged on a zip up Hoddie and decided it wasn't going to get any better than this.

She shoved her remaining books in her bag, fixed her hair, applied some lip gloss and a light shade of eyeliner. She was official ready; down stairs spread across the dining table was eggs, bacon and toast.

"Sit and eat" her mother said, her fork halfway to her mouth. Mercedes mom was her father's dental assistant but more than that she was heavy, in the hips the arms the chest and most especially the middle. It had never matter to her that mother wasn't as skinny or as active as other moms, but today it was all she could notice. Her brother wasn't much different at 12 years old he sat on the other side of the table equally stuffing his face, Mercedes stared at him wishing she could join him she really did love her mom's scrambled eggs. Mercedes brother wasn't overweight but he wasn't skinny either.

"Here eat" Mercedes mom had already gotten a plate ready for her, piled high with eggs, four strips of bacon and two pieces of toast. Mercedes stomach squeezed together and she felt the first empty pang of hunger, lifting her bag higher onto her shoulder she turned away. "I'm already late mom" she yelled out and rushed out the door.

Getting in the car she flung her bag into the back seat and drove off, she was on her way to pick up Sam. His current residence wasn't close enough to walk and she had offered to pick him and drop him off as a 'friend' or so everyone thought.

Lifting a hand to her mouth she smelt her breath which wasn't so pleasant since she hadn't eaten anything, rummaging through her bag she found some fruit flavored mentos and plopped 2 into her mouth.

Arriving in front of the apartment building Sam lived in Mercedes stopped slightly for Sam to climb in who as always was already waiting for her.

"Hey" she said

"Good morning" he replied putting on his seatbelt, putting his hands over hers on the steering wheel he leaned in a kissed her once then twice, which turned into three times; his hands came up to cup her face. Mercedes leaned back for a breath smiling "Okay" he said "now we can go".

Leaning back Mercedes faced the road slightly blushing she put the car back into drive and they made their way too school. Mercedes smiled things were looking good, being with Sam had made her sour mood vanish, he made her feel pretty.

So the day began, really it was very typical and yet Mercedes couldn't feel more different. She was so aware of how she fit in and the amount of room she took up, even going as far as to apologize when someone bumped into her. It surprised her how she hadn't noticed this before, her weight, her size, the way her thighs rubbed together.

It wasn't long before lunch and Mercedes could hear her stomach growl in need of food. She had stopped at a water fountain in between every class and could feel the water sloshing around inside of her.

She was so hungry and tired her eyes blinked sleepily every few minutes.

Laughing at the story Kurt was telling her about the time Blaine had tried to serenade him with a Mexican song, stood in line with her tray. Lunch was going to be hard but Mercedes knew she had to start eating healthy, she grabbed a salad with ranch dressing, a peach fruit cup, a water bottle and a cheese and ham sandwich. She watched hungrily as Kurt got himself a helping of tatter tots and a slice of pizza.

"Is that all your having?" Kurt asked

Mercedes nodded slowly not sure how to answer the question; she turned around and went to sit at their usual table.

Forcing down another bite of salad Mercedes tried to smile about her new life style change and secretly wondered how long she could last without her Tots.

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	4. Promises and beginnings

**Sealed Lips **

**Chapter Four: PROMIES AND BEGINNINGS **

It was dinner time and Mercedes found herself hiding out in her room, which was clearly a first for her. She could the smell the scent of food wafting up to her room it was dizzying and intoxicating all at once.

She had been avoiding eating today at breakfast and had only a salad for lunch she was proud of herself the old the Mercedes would have stuffed her face by now.

Putting down her book for the moment she closed her laptop, Mercedes made her way down stairs for a glass of water she had been extremely thirsty all day I'll have to start carrying a water bottle with me now on she thought to herself, grabbing a glass Mercedes let the tap run for a while before putting her glass under the cold stream.

"Perfect" her mom said coming up behind her she got down four plates "You're just in time for dinner"

A fizzle of panic shoot through Mercedes "I'll eat later" she said "I was just in the middle of something"

"Oh no, you don't" Mercedes mother grabbed her by the shoulders and led her to the dining table "You study so hard baby, time for a break, you'll need the energy"

Mercedes bit her and quietly took a seat at the table, there was no way she could get out of it without making her parents suspicious and the last thing she wanted from her father was another 'weight talk'.

Her mother had made pasta and sauce for dinner, with baked bread and salad. Picking up the salad bowl she gave herself a large helping.

"Glad to see your starting with the salad Mer" Mercedes father commented. Mercedes cringed, it's none of your business what I eat it's my body. She nodded silently.

"I hope you're finally taking your weight into consideration, and setting healthy goals" Mercedes father continues. Shut up, shut, shut up Mercedes thought, but she didn't voice any of this out loud instead her hand stretched out and pulled the bowl of noodles toward herself and she scooped on to a her plate, the pasta sauce came next she ladled two helping on top of it. She grabbed the bread basket next took out a roll and slipped it into her mouth then grabbed another one ad stared to butter it. Her fork twisted the noodles into the sauce and straight into the cave of her mouth, one bite, two bites, three bites, four. Her jaws chewed tasted and swallowed, her empty aching belly welcomed the food and filled her up. Her plate sparkled with a drop of left over sauce which she picked up with a lick of her finger.

Walking up the stairs she closed the door and looked in the mirror, what had she done?

All today, she had been good and had eaten healthy and now she was a fat stinking mess. How could she have done this?

She wrapped her arms around her aching stomach and cringed at how full she felt. Full and fat. She was disgusting; tears ran down Mercedes face, she had no will power or control. She was going to be a fat and ugly for the rest of her life.

Looking away from her pitiful reflection she slowly opened her bedroom door and made her into her parents' bedroom, she stole into their bathroom. She had remembered that her mother had once kept a scale in it looking around she couldn't find one. She bended over and looked under the sink, moving around a few cleaning bottles her fingers wrapped around there prize, she pulled out a dusty scale. She carried it back into her own bedroom.

Setting it lightly on the floor and switching the on button. It was the moment of truth; she backed away from the scale not sure if she wanted to see the answer she would get.

Breathing in deep she stepped on the scale 86, the number flashed twice before settling on it. Stepping off she rushes to her still open laptop and quickly finds the conversion for kg to lbs. 190 pounds.

Mercedes hands slipped, no, no, no. she wasn't.

But she was.

She had heard Santana complaining about being 117 and here she was 190 lbs.

One hundred and ninety fat fucking pounds. Standing up she looked in the mirror and at that moment Mercedes hated herself. This was it, it was final, she wasn't going to eat again.

**A/N: Sorry for the delay, I will try not to be gone without posting for so long again.**

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	5. Finding the Enemy

**Sealed Lips**

**Chapter five: Finding the enemy **

Mercedes woke up and as her eyes opened the events of last night came barreling back to her, she cringed. Throwing off the covers she stood up the floor cold against her toes, and made her way to the bathroom. Steeping into the shower she tried to avoid looking too closely at her body. Her morning routine was simple, shower then brush teeth, brush out her hair and get dressed.

Mercedes opened her closet and took out her loosest fitting pants, holding them between her hands she gawked at the sight; they were huge. Standing in her fat jeans and purple bra she tried to find a top which drape over her seamlessly it however wasn't working out too well. After throwing around almost every top she settled on a loose gray t-shirt and a black cardigan, black was slimming wasn't it?

Mercedes stepped back into the bathroom to fix her makeup and blow dry her hair, in the end she looked at her reflection; the same one she had looked at every day, _when had she started to hate it?_

Her bag was already packed she swung it on to her shoulder and walked out of her room, thankfully she was late enough to not have to stop for breakfast. She quietly slipped out the front door and started her car.

The drive to Sam's apartment was filled with radio music and Mercedes depressing thoughts, _she hated that she hated herself and she hated that she was fat _and in her mind both could be solved by losing a whole lot of weight.

Before pulling up she sucked on a breath mint, Sam was already waiting on the curb; she loved that he was so thoughtful and cute but most of all she loved the he was hers. Her boyfriend. She didn't even know why he would have picked her, when could have had Quinn or Santana, but it didn't matter, he was hers.

"What are thinking about?" The boyfriend in question asked.

"Nothing" she said, she leaned over and kissed him, open mouthed and long. Their lips moved seamlessly over each other. Mercedes pressed herself deeper into the kiss, her hands reached higher and twisted into Sam's hair following her lead Sam moved his arm to wrap around her waist moving his slightly up and down. Mercedes jerked back violently.

"What" Sam asked, "what, did I do something wrong?"

"No, no" Mercedes replied catching her breath. "Were late" she said, putting the drive back into gear.

Sam waited until the stop light to ask again, "Mercedes is everything alright?"

"Yeah yeah" she replied "just didn't want to get carried away, we do have class in ten minutes"

Sam smiled "Because I make you lose control"

Mercedes laughed.

The day was different, Mercedes felt different, stronger almost and definitely clean. Her stomach was empty but in a good way, lunch was easy to overcome she filled up on water from a fountain and avoided going into the cafeteria altogether, she spent her time in the library and did some homework.

_See_ she told herself _not eating was good for her_. Mercedes wasn't naïve she knew about anorexia and eating disorders and that's not what she was going to do. Sure she wasn't eating today but it was just for a little while until she lost some weight and then …. Well who really knew the future?

Exercise was definitely important, but she didn't know how to start the idea of going into a gym all sweaty and in tight clothes jumping around was the least appealing thing she could think of. Mercedes decided that she would wake up earlier and go for a short 30 minute run every morning before school.

The first time was torture it was still slightly dark outside and Mercedes could barely run, she ended settling for a jog and was still huffing and puffing after the first 5 minutes. She did finish the run/jog, she would bend down and slap her thighs whenever she thought of quitting "fat bitch" she would taunt herself "You're fat and disgusting and ugly". It worked every time.

It had been a week and Mercedes family had started noticing the changes like her 'healthier eating habits' and 'morning run'. Her father had offered to run with her in the morning but Mercedes had politely refused saying it was a personal time and she rather go at it alone. The last thing she wanted was her always criticizing father with her.

She had begun to feel a little bit light headed after a run or after a long day of school, Mercedes would come home afterwards and take a nap; she had been sleeping more and more lately.

It was her fifth day of not eating and everything felt better when she looked at the mirror she didn't cry because she knew she was doing something about it and things with Sam were going smoothly, even if they hadn't told anyone about them yet and Mr. Schuester was giving her next week's solo. Mercedes couldn't believe how things were looking up; maybe food was what had been stopping her all along.

**A/N: Tell me what you think….**

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	6. Higher standards and Greater falls

**Sealed Lips**

**Chapter six: Higher standards and greater falls**

Mercedes stepped on the scale dressed in only her grey boy shorts, her eyes were tightly sealed, toes curled. Breathing in she opened her eyes and sucked in her belly, the scale read 179.

Wooosssh her breath escaped in a rush, she stepped off the scale and stepped back on it 179. Was it real? It was real. One hundred and seventy nine, she lost 11 pounds.

Eleven pounds. She jumped off the scale and danced around. Mercedes couldn't believe her eyes losing 11 pounds in one week. It had paid off all of her starving and sweating, waking up early and practically passing out every night. Saying no and refusing to gorge all those fried dinners and take out she had refused. It had paid off.

Mercedes got quickly got dressed, standing in front of the mirror. She smiled she was thinner and the mirror didn't lie. Her face was the most effective, gone were the chubby cheeks, her face looked more defined, smaller and most definitely better. Mercedes moved on to her stomach it too looked slimmer and her thighs felt like they took up less room and clad in her jeans which were lose around the hips. Mercedes smiled her first real smile all week. It had paid off.

And just in time to, she had a date with Sam it was a surprise. He had refused to tell her where they were going, Mercedes just hoped he would take her out to some fancy restaurant where he would have to spend what little money he made.

Dressing in a quarter cut sliver sequenced shirt and black jegginngs Mercedes fixed her hair and make up a splash of perfume and she was ready. She walked down stairs to wait for Sam to come pick her up. Mercedes dad walked in the living room and sat down to watch the evening news.

"Where are you going?" He asked during the commercial break.

"Out with Sam I already told you" Mercedes answered.

"Hmm" her dad grunted "well you look good, whatever you've been doing keep it up"

Mercedes was glad that to hear the television reports voice because that meant her father's attention wasn't focused on her and he wouldn't notice the grin that took over Mercedes face or the fact that at this moment she was so happy she could cry.

You look good.

The words seemed to echo in her head.

Mercedes stood up as the bell rang simultaneously slipping on her flats as she opened the door. "Sam " she squealed and hugged him "Hi".

"Hi, back" he said wrapping his arms around her and keeping them there as they walked. "Good mood" he asked.

"Things have just been going my way" she answered. Sam grinned as well Mercedes mood was contagious.

"So what are we doing?" Mercedes asked.

"I thought we would get some ice cream and then go to the park; I wish I could take you…"

"Don't" Mercedes interrupted him "It sounds perfectly romantic"

They walked around side by side lapping up their ice creams; it had started out as dusk and now had gotten late. They sat down on the grass and talked and talked, it didn't matter whether it was about how guilty Sam felt for asking his parents for simple things or about teaching Mercedes to play the guitar.

Sam was spread out on the grass and Mercedes leaned against the trunk of a tree. Sam sat up and cupping Mercedes cheeks he leaned in for a kiss, Mercedes pressed in and it turned from kissing to making out. Mercedes leaned back to catch her breath.

"Why" she whispered

"Why what?" Sam asked

Mercedes bit her lip "Why am I a secret?"

Sam sat up, somehow during their brief make out Mercedes had ended up lying on the grass with Sam half on top of her. "What secret?"

Mercedes sat up too, "Us, me and you. Why haven't we told anyone were together?"

"I don't… Mercedes"

"Because I have been dying to tell Kurt and I just feel like we shouldn't have to hide that were together. I don't get it why are you ashamed of me?"

"Never" Sam professed "I am not ashamed of you, how could I be." Mercedes heart melted a little bit.

"I just thought we would be better if no one knew" Sam continued "Every relationship I've had has been in the glee club and everyone there has given there opinion and I just didn't want that for us."

Sam took Mercedes hands and laced them in between his own. "You should have told me you felt that way. If you wanna tell anyone we can."

"We'll shout it from the roof tops and sing about it in glee club" Mercedes giggled

"So, where were we" Sam leaned in and captured Mercedes lips, she kissed him back long enough to let him know she wasn't upset.

"I should be getting home" she whispered against his lips.

"Mmmhm" Sam mumbled.

Mercedes laid down on her bed and stretched today had been perfect, the weight loss , the compliments, her date with Sam.

Things couldn't have gotten better, except being skinnier. Throwing off her cover Mercedes locked her door and positioned herself in front of the floor length mirror. She raised her hands and took off her sleeping tee and ripped off her tights. Her movements were frantic, her hands anxious; she stood there in her underwear. She could see it now yes she was skinnier than before but she was still fat.

Her hands grabbed at her stomach and pulled too much, too fat. They twisted down to her thighs _'Ugh'_ she thought _'I have the thighs of a whale' _

Losing 11 pounds had been good, fuck it had been great. But it wasn't enough; it wasn't anywhere close to enough. She needed to be skinner, slimmer, smaller.

Mercedes smoothed her arms over her now covered body, she felt refreshed and dedicated. She knew what had to be done.

**A/N: Caught a nasty case of writer block; I am even allowed to use that excuse since I'm not a writer. Hmm, all the same I am very sorry for the long wait.**

**Rate/Review.**

**Kiss kiss**


	7. Monsters in my head

**A/N: The amount to favorite authors and story/author alerts that I got blew me away, Thank you thank you so much for reading and enjoying. Sorry about the length, I am trying to work on getting them longer. Wait did I mention how much I love your reviews and dearly look forward to getting them. And to (I have a suggestionthought) I would love to have a Beta, Pm me if you're interested. **

**Sealed Lips**

**Chapter Seven: Monsters in my head.**

"This is going to be great" Kurt exclaimed aligning his duffle bag against the wall of Mercedes room, He was spending the night even though it was a Sunday night and they had school tomorrow.

Mercedes parents weren't very happy about it but had learned to accept it, having Kurt sleep over had become a regular thing that they were forced to become adjusted too.

Mercedes wrapped her arms around Kurt pulling him in for an emotional hug; Kurt hugged her back "What was that for?" He asked.

"I have news" Mercedes gushed

"Good news?" Kurt asked, slipping his hand into hers.

Mercedes nodded, Kurt squeezed her hand, "Good, then it can wait".

They changed into their PJ's and gave each other facials, talking about products and make up. They moved on to manicures Mercedes a light purple and Kurt's was clear.

Sitting on Mercedes bed crossed legged and gossiping about the glee club while waiting for their nails to dry.

"Santana and Brittney I'm telling you" Kurt said "There's something going on there, I can feel it"

"You can feel it huh" Mercedes speculated her eyebrows rose.

"Yes I can" Kurt insisted, refusing to drop his point.

"Cause your just that gay"

"Well it happens that I am" Kurt said "just ask Blaine"

They broke out into laughter, "But no seriously" Kurt said once things calmed down "I think they might already be together, like that"

"Brittney sure" Mercedes agreed "I can see that, but Santana …"

"Hey you never know"

Mercedes nodded.

"What about Sam" Kurt asked "If Santana isn't with Brittney then I'm betting Sam"

"You're betting wrong" Mercedes said.

"Oh really" Kurt leaned in

"I know for a fact that Santana doesn't have a chance with Sam"

"And how is that?" Kurt asked

"Because we're dating" Mercedes said

"We're as in you and Sam" Kurt asked, Mercedes nodded. "Oh god" Kurt squealed

"Wait for how long?"

"Since summer started" Mercedes admitted

"Since summer….. since summer" Kurt repeated.

"And you never told me" His voice rose in outrage "I can't believe you Cedes, I tell you everything"

"Will you let me explain myself" Mercedes asked.

Kurt huffed and sat down his arms crossed and expression stoic.

"It was after winning Nationals and we just started having coffee together, it felt like we kept bumping into to each other everywhere and Sam really needed a friend" Mercedes hugged a pillow to her chest, she was smiling.

"His dad had just lost his job and things at home were getting stressful, we would meet up a Lima Bean and then just start walking"

She looked at Kurt and could see his expression softening. "We were friends" Mercedes looked up and smiled at the thought "It was just before the end of summer when he thought that he was going to have to move away that we became more, he looked me in the eyes and asked me if he could kiss me, I didn't know what to say let alone think but I must of nodded because next thing I know he's kissing me. It was perfect"

"Then why didn't you tell me Mercedes" Kurt ask the hurt showing in his voice.

"At first, I just loved it being a secret it felt more special and the after I don't know, I wish I would have told you sooner. I so sorry Kurt" Mercedes confessed.

"Fine, fine" Kurt exclaimed "Stop begging I'll forgive you, but only because your first kiss sounds so cute"

"Here" Kurt said, he leaned down to reach his bag and pulled out a jumbo pack of sugar coated jelly donuts "for you my love" he presented them to Mercedes "Your favorite"

Mercedes breathed in deep. Kurt ripped open the package and waved it to her in offering.

"I had such a big dinner" Mercedes started, the lies came to her almost naturally. _I can't believe I'm lying to Kurt._

"Exactly" he said "And this is desert". Mercedes finger reached out and grabbed a donut, slipping out her tongue she licked at the sugary coating before sinking her teeth in it.

Oblivious Kurt plucked a treat and started to eat.

"So tell me more about Blaine and you" Mercedes said, she had polished off the donut and was eyeing the package.

"Things have been great" Kurt gushed "especially with him coming to McKinley, I feel like I see him more" Kurt laughed "I do see him more, but that's not the point I feel like we're closer"

Kurt picked out another two donuts and handed one to Mercedes while starting on the other himself "And I don't know if you've noticed but he does this really cute thing when were together in school, he kind of like bumps into me like our shoulders graze and hips crash into each other and I'm thinking it has to be on purpose it happens so often …."

Mercedes stopped listening, she had allowed herself to eat a small dinner because Kurt was here and now this one donut was bad enough but two was fat and she could not be fat, she just couldn't. Slowly lowering the hand that was holding the offensive food, she let her arm hang off the bed and let it fall from her grip too land under her bed. _Good good_ she told herself I_ didn't need that in me, it was what had made me fat in the first place._

"….. He's inviting me over for dinner and I'm just not too sure how I should dress" Kurt continued unaware "Did I mention it was dinner with his family, I know I shouldn't stress about this it's horrible for my complexion but its worrying"

Blinking Mercedes shook her head "I'm sure you'll look great in whatever you wear" she said.

Kurt smiled then looked at Mercedes slightly odd expression "Everything okay" he asked.

"Yeah, yeah" Mercedes licked her lips "just tired, we should sleep"

They got ready for bed and flipped off the lights; slipping in between the covers Mercedes listened to Kurt's breathing until it evened out. She wasn't able to sleep, her thoughts where whirling around in her head and her skin felt itchy and tight. Flipping over she sighed, she had school in the morning and she needed to sleep. Opening her eyes she lighted on the slight shine of the plastics package the donuts were in. _No_ she thought _no way in hell Mercedes._

Her body was tight with anticipation, her mouth filled with saliva_. I've lost 11 pounds I deserve a treat for all my hard work._

_No, no, no_ Mercedes fisted her hands _I was so good_ she thought _I can't eat now. I can't let myself crave junk. _

_One bite won't kill me _she fought with herself. _I am not eating that fucking donut, I refuse to be fat._

Slowly slipping her legs out from under the covers Mercedes leaned over to grab the packet of sugary goodness on her way to the bathroom.

Switching on the lights and locking the door, she set the package on the sinks counter. She avoided looking at her reflection.

"Don't do this" she whispered before grabbing the package and falling to the floor. Her mouth was covered in sweet jelly fillings, her teeth chewed mechanically up, down, up, down, swallow. Her hand reached for one after another until there was none left.

Slumped against the wall she closed her mouth, jaws clenched. Her eyes filled with tears which slipped over her cheeks and on to her lips. Mercedes let out a sob, oh god what had she done.

Bending over she sobbed, tears flowing freely now. Why _had she done this?_ She slapped a hand over mouth to muffle the sound of her shame. Mercedes rocked back and forth the tears chased themselves down her face falling to linoleum floor. She was weak, disgusting, pathetic. The litany of abuse flowed faster; ugly, fat, and worthless. Fat, Fat, Fat the words continued to race each other in her mind.

Obese, useless, weak, fat, pig. Her other arm wrapped around her stomach, her nails dug into her flesh. Pig, .

Mercedes pressed her wet face against the cold floor. _Oh god, Oh god why?_

**A/N: Sue me, Scream, Suggest.**

**To: Moonlight015. Oh thank so much I loved your review and see a speedy-ish update. I'm so glad you're enjoying this. xoxox **

**You know what to do.**

**Rate N' Review **


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